Dear Meghan: My son, 3, has a cousin “Max,” 5, who has autism. Max is a sweet, funny, happy boy who has made great strides in the last two years with his social development. However, he can still be quite possessive of toys, sometimes has trouble interacting with other kids and can have meltdowns.
My son has started to say that he “doesn’t like Max” because he perceives that Max doesn’t play as nicely with him as his other cousins. Do I try to explain to my son that Max is different? Or let them navigate their relationship on their own? I’m torn between trying not to “other” Max and treating him the same as other cousins/friends, and trying to help my son understand why Max acts differently.
Torn: Thank you for writing in; it is typical to feel a bit lost when helping young children work, live and play together regardless of whether a diagnosis is involved. Helping these children grow up together will require patience and a willingness to allow lots of feelings to coexist.
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It isn’t just your nephew who is in a tough space developmentally; at 3 years old, your son is in his own developmental stage that makes sharing difficult. Your child is most likely also not sharing or, if he is, he isn’t enjoying it. During toddler years, a child is learning that they are a real person, and before they can consider other people’s feelings, they must wrestle with their own.
End of carouselIt is easy in our culture to “other” the child with obvious differences (in this case, autism), but this absolves us of our own need for growth. I am weary of the dancing around we do to keep up the appearance of the ever-elusive “normal.” Let’s just work with what is front of us, with both children. Because of the ages of the children in your letter, I think you know that they are not old enough to “navigate their relationship on their own.” There isn’t one right thing to say or do; your son’s and Max’s growth will ebb and flow over the years, but if you stay steady, both children will be better for having each other.
As for what you should do, I turned to Yolanda Williams — a parenting coach who specializes in positive discipline, a racial justice educator, and a mother to a child on the autism spectrum — for more insight. She suggests supervising the kids’ playdates so you can remind your son that it’s okay if Max doesn’t feel like sharing or explain to him that it’s okay if Max isn’t very responsive.
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Williams also says it’s okay to encourage Max to share, but if he’s resistant, lead your son to pick another toy. “Max is not capable of navigating the relationship as neurotypical kids are. He will naturally be ‘othered’ because he is different and small kids notice differences, which is why adults have to intervene and advocate for disabled children by accommodating their needs and teaching their children to do the same,” Williams says. “There is nothing wrong with being disabled or different, but when you don’t speak about the disability or difference, children will see them in a negative light.”
She offers this script when talking to your son about Max’s disability: “Max is autistic, which means his brain works differently than yours does. He needs a little bit more space when playing, and it may be hard for him to share. But you can play alongside him. That’s what Max needs to feel safe and comfortable.”
As you’re helping your son develop more patience with and compassion for Max, I suggest you dive into emotion coaching. Emotion coaching is where parents help children slow down, tune into their emotions, name them and (possibly) find solutions. Crucially, parents need to navigate this process first, a step that many miss but is needed to co-regulate with children. The more emotions a child can name, the more likely they are to communicate clearly to adults. It may look and sound like placing a gentle hand on the shoulder and saying: “I see frustration about playing with the firetruck. It is tiring to share. I get it.” Let the child process this before you jump into fixing anything. This is where parents usually rush things, but it benefits the children to give emotions space because it communicates that everyone can handle big emotions. When children feel that their parents understand them, they are more likely to relax, cooperate and calm more easily.
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Finally, pick up children’s books where lots of different children are represented and while reading them, say, “That’s like Max, right? That boy is funny and he also likes his own stuff to feel calm. What makes you calm?” We are opening up the idea that everyone has needs and differences; there is no “normal.” There are just people. Williams also recommends the “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” episode on autism. He meets a new friend, who is also named Max, and they talk about how to find a way for everyone to play. “Teaching our kids early to accommodate disability or difference is crucial to creating a more inclusive and equitable world,” Williams says. Good luck.
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